To My Love
My Love,
So many days have come and gone for us. I have let too many pass without returning to you in this form. I found that the memories that I had awoken led to such extreme self evaluation. I never really realized how heavily the things I had buried, weighed on me. I look back on all that I have overcome and realized that all that I allowed to take on and be apart of in punishing myself over and over, was for something that was none of my doing. I was not the guilty party, the one that created the discretions and hurt. It was him, my perfect picture of a father.
How could I love a man that was so deeply disturbed. So profoundly inhumane, that he would allow his own demon to manipulate and change the course of an innocent soul. I allowed my shame at not saving her pull down a shroud of ignorance. I stood with my eyes wide open yet I truly did not see. I did not want to see.
My best friend whom I was supposed to protect, she was a year younger. I didn’t know, hadn’t an idea in my head that what love he offered was twisted and so very wrong. So I stood in the doorway confused and jealous because he wanted to spend time with her, he found her beautiful, she was called Princess. Sitting on his lap like a cherished porcelain doll, held by a drunken mad man.
And just as shameful, I retraced my steps and ran to my room.
So many memories now that have quizzically fallen into some semblance of order, lying the path of their destruction. Not just the Princess, but Red, and Sauce Pan, Maria, Coco, and wow Maggie May, yes I remember your pet names.
He was worse than an addiction, he offered comfort to these girls missing a crucial someone, a mother, a father and used that vulnerability to make him a hero. The one that loved them regardless of their bitter flaws, the one that would prize them with the world at the moment the wishes passed their lips. Unable to see that the cost for these gifts was the one possession that belonged to them alone.
I could spend my days talking about the incidents that transpired, just as long as I could kneel down and beg for forgiveness. But the light has shone on my soul, absolution is not mine to seek. I did not transgress, these are not my shames. So I say a prayer for strength so that I may rebuild this shell of despair with the foundation of self love and understanding that you have shown me.
I lie awake most nights thinking of purging all that has come before so that I may be productive in this life. So many times in the past I have been told that I was beautiful, but I never once believed it until the day you whispered to my heart.
Good Night My Love,
Ris
So many days have come and gone for us. I have let too many pass without returning to you in this form. I found that the memories that I had awoken led to such extreme self evaluation. I never really realized how heavily the things I had buried, weighed on me. I look back on all that I have overcome and realized that all that I allowed to take on and be apart of in punishing myself over and over, was for something that was none of my doing. I was not the guilty party, the one that created the discretions and hurt. It was him, my perfect picture of a father.
How could I love a man that was so deeply disturbed. So profoundly inhumane, that he would allow his own demon to manipulate and change the course of an innocent soul. I allowed my shame at not saving her pull down a shroud of ignorance. I stood with my eyes wide open yet I truly did not see. I did not want to see.
My best friend whom I was supposed to protect, she was a year younger. I didn’t know, hadn’t an idea in my head that what love he offered was twisted and so very wrong. So I stood in the doorway confused and jealous because he wanted to spend time with her, he found her beautiful, she was called Princess. Sitting on his lap like a cherished porcelain doll, held by a drunken mad man.
And just as shameful, I retraced my steps and ran to my room.
So many memories now that have quizzically fallen into some semblance of order, lying the path of their destruction. Not just the Princess, but Red, and Sauce Pan, Maria, Coco, and wow Maggie May, yes I remember your pet names.
He was worse than an addiction, he offered comfort to these girls missing a crucial someone, a mother, a father and used that vulnerability to make him a hero. The one that loved them regardless of their bitter flaws, the one that would prize them with the world at the moment the wishes passed their lips. Unable to see that the cost for these gifts was the one possession that belonged to them alone.
I could spend my days talking about the incidents that transpired, just as long as I could kneel down and beg for forgiveness. But the light has shone on my soul, absolution is not mine to seek. I did not transgress, these are not my shames. So I say a prayer for strength so that I may rebuild this shell of despair with the foundation of self love and understanding that you have shown me.
I lie awake most nights thinking of purging all that has come before so that I may be productive in this life. So many times in the past I have been told that I was beautiful, but I never once believed it until the day you whispered to my heart.
Good Night My Love,
Ris
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